My last post has me thinking about time. Now, I don't know what your priorities are and it's not my business, but frankly I am horrified by how little time families actually spend together. Especially when it's our job as parents to train and teach our children. We are responsible for their lives, and for the people they will one day become, and whether we like it or not we will reap what we sow. Do not be ignorant or deceived, something is always being sown, whether your kids are with you or somewhere else, whether by commission or omission on your part as the parent.
Pretty much everyone who's anyone agrees that the very best way to teach our kids is during "teachable moments". You can set your two year old down and talk to her about how important sharing is (and she'll forget everything you said the minute she walks away!), or you can be there for, and pay attention to, the times she has to play with other children, watch how she behaves, and address the behavior! If she shares, praise her, when she rips the toy from another child's hand or screams because someone else has something she wants, then use that teachable moment to teach the character you want to see! But you actually have to be there...
...
I don't know about you, but I do not like what I see in children today. Bad attitudes and disrespect seem to be accepted as normal among older children, particularly towards parents. Somewhere, kids seem to be getting this idea that their parents aren't to be believed or trusted, that they themselves are the ultimate authority and the parents merely providers of basic needs and, depending on how spoiled a kid is, every want and whim! Young parents, is this the child that you see yourself raising? Make no mistake, these seeds are being sown everywhere except in the home where you are in control of the seed! "One bad apple, indeed, spoils the bunch", do not believe that your good apple can come out of a bunch of bad apples unscathed...
Today there is a clear drift from absolutes. Right and wrong depends on whatever an individual feels in the moment. This is so evident when young teens can justify killing fellow classmates. Sexuality among children is...there really are no words...Sickening. Horrifying. Disgusting. Shameful. What was once uncommon and unacceptable is now not only acceptable and common, but encouraged in schools by peers and even by the schools in their sex ed. classes, and where birth control is offered freely to children without parental consent. Fourth graders are doing things that I blushed to learn about as a teenager (and I wasn't exactly an angel).
If your children are in a public school, they are right smack dab in the midst of this. Even if your school is a "good one", most of the children who attend are not being taught at home the character you likely want to see in your kids, regardless of what your standards and philosophy are. Just think about it.
Most kids spend 35 hours or more in school every week, depending on how many extra-curricular activities they are signed up for, they get home with at least an hour of homework to complete which tags on another five hours per week, if they're lucky; the average kid is involved in at least one extra activity which requires daily practice be it sports or music, so, we'll say, that is another five hours taken of their time each week...concluding that the average student commits at least 45 hours every week to school and activities.
Sure, that doesn't seem like a great deal of time when you know that there are 168 hours in a full week. But any responsible parent is going to insist that their child get10 hours of sleep nightly, which eats up 70 of those hours. Considering that, they're left with 98 hours for family time, each week.
Parents are also scheduled to the max more often than not, working at least 40 hours every week, cooking, cleaning, maintenance, projects, running kids around to various games and concerts...with very little time for individual hobbies or relaxation. And I don't know any parent who doesn't need some of that.
So let's take a look at any given day. Everyone gets up and ready to go, say, by 7 o'clock, breakfast is made and eaten quickly enough to avoid missing the bus. Mom and dad commute while their children ride said bus for at least 15 minutes with all sorts of miscreants...sorry, but it's true!
Once at school, they're stuck within the confines of the school and it's schedule from 8:30-3:30, practice of some sort until 4:30 or 5 o'clock. Home by 5:30 dinner is finished by 6 or 6:30 just in time to do chores and homework. By the time that is finished it is 7:30 or 8 o'clock and only an hour of free time left before bed! Now the decision is whether to spend that time independently, enjoying some veg time in front of the TV, on a project, or having what we call "family time" where we actually talk and interact with one another. As children get older, it seems the latter is the least popular option when there are games to play, TV to watch, and friends to talk to...
Then, of course, there are weekends. I can't say what the "typical" American family weekend looks like, but insert yours here. Take stock of how much of your "free days" you spend together, enjoying the company of your family, paying attention to 'teachable moments'. And ask yourself how much of you are your children really getting? Are you satisfied with the investment that you are making in the training up of your children? Or are your priorities set in such a way that they're getting your dregs?
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Quality time
There's always been this debate over quantity verses quality, especially as it pertains to family time.
In my opinion and experience, it takes quantity time to have the truly quality times with family. Quality doesn't happen on a schedule. Quality time can't be manufactured like some consumable good. The most quality of times are spontaneous and often arise in the midst of the mundane or the chaos of the everyday.
...like the moment when you're typing a blog post while thoughts are fresh and your seven year old daughter is talking at you incessantly, as always, and you look at her and realize just how precious she is...so you take her in your arms, pull her close, and hold her, smelling her snow fresh hair, feeling her warm little body that is growing all to quickly, and knowing how much it means to her to be the center of your attention for that short moment in time. :)
It strikes me as insane that people work long hours to be able to afford beautiful homes with every imaginable comfort, but little time to enjoy it, or work overtime to be able to afford a vacation, for a week of "family time", all the while missing out on the precious, everyday moments.
As a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom, I no doubt have an award winning quantity of time with my kids, and recently my husband began working from home, so we really have an upper hand when it comes down to "family time". But, I'll be honest, not all of that time is what I call "quality". At least not in the sense of enjoyment. Disciplining and training children is tough stuff, emotionally and physically! Spiritually, if you want to do it right...and being with them every waking hour, though very beneficial to training, means that there is a lot more to deal with! Let's not forget the never ending tasks of running a house like cleaning and cooking, when surrounded by four crazy, starving children all day is literally like sweeping sand from a beach and throwing food into a black hole. Training children to be responsible and tidy seems an impossible task! Therefore, much of the time is not the kind of "quality" alluded to in this ceaseless debate. Certainly there is little more important that some of these difficult tasks, but "fun" or "precious" are the last adjectives I have in mind to describe them. But it is out of these times when those quality moments arise simply by being there. When the light bulb illuminates and a child learns something new on their own, when you see an unexpected act of selfless kindness from one child to another, or when you suddenly find yourself in their world and for a moment you remember what it was like to be a child because they've inspired you, or simply when you let yourself let go and enjoy the moment with them!
Last night was a perfect example.
All day I looked forward to going to bed early and losing myself in my latest novel--time to read is a very precious commodity when you have five young children, you know--and on high-pressure days, time to unwind is most welcome. Bed time came strictly at 8 o'clock, and I made my way to the kids' room to supervise the end of the day "clean up"...I had already fought with them for an hour over it and two had missed out on their dessert because they hadn't finished picking up when they were supposed to, so the night could have easily been defined by "frustration"! Sitting on the floor, my littlest girl came and plopped into my lap and I brushed her hair while two of the older children finished their jobs. With the toys and clothes put away at last, my middle little girl came and took her place next to me, wanting to show me some of her "favorite things" she had stored in her treasure box and letting me braid her hair as she did so. Meanwhile, my littlest girl had found some books to look at.
My oldest daughter and husband came in with the camera to take a picture of the girls' braids, so they could see them, and naturally it became her turn to have her hair braided. My son, the oldest, flipped through the radio stations to find appropriate music for the dance that my little girls were now doing. I watched my little beauties dance to Mozart as I braided the long locks of my nearly eight year old daughter, amazed by how quickly her hair had grown since she took the scissors to it at age five, listening to my husband talk to my son as he laid on the bottom bunk behind me.
Just as soon as I finished braiding her hair, my daughter hopped up and said, "daddy's turn!" and my two oldest girls proceeded to make little tiny pony tails all over his military regulation hair...while I read through an ABC book with my two year old daughter. We sang the alphabet, traced the letters with our fingers, looked at pictures, giggled, and snuggled. My nearly 10 year old son couldn't resist and soon sat on the bed behind me and began to practice making pony tails in my hair.
After everyone, especially daddy, was newly beautified, the kids showed off their moves, the two oldest gals drawing upon their memories of ballet, my son being just as goofy as possible, my darling two year old insisting on dancing with her daddy, spiked up, pony-tailed hair and all.
Two hours past bed time, every ounce of energy spent, baby boy awake and ready to eat, we performed the nightly ritual of cleaning teeth and saying prayers, so thankful for time like the hours we had just spent together. Not one remembering the difficulties of the day, or thinking about what we had missed or how we were sabotaging a perfectly good schedule...
It's times like those that make the world go round, when I look around me and feel so blessed, when my cup runneth over! and I'm so glad that I'm there for them.
In my opinion and experience, it takes quantity time to have the truly quality times with family. Quality doesn't happen on a schedule. Quality time can't be manufactured like some consumable good. The most quality of times are spontaneous and often arise in the midst of the mundane or the chaos of the everyday.
...like the moment when you're typing a blog post while thoughts are fresh and your seven year old daughter is talking at you incessantly, as always, and you look at her and realize just how precious she is...so you take her in your arms, pull her close, and hold her, smelling her snow fresh hair, feeling her warm little body that is growing all to quickly, and knowing how much it means to her to be the center of your attention for that short moment in time. :)
It strikes me as insane that people work long hours to be able to afford beautiful homes with every imaginable comfort, but little time to enjoy it, or work overtime to be able to afford a vacation, for a week of "family time", all the while missing out on the precious, everyday moments.
As a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom, I no doubt have an award winning quantity of time with my kids, and recently my husband began working from home, so we really have an upper hand when it comes down to "family time". But, I'll be honest, not all of that time is what I call "quality". At least not in the sense of enjoyment. Disciplining and training children is tough stuff, emotionally and physically! Spiritually, if you want to do it right...and being with them every waking hour, though very beneficial to training, means that there is a lot more to deal with! Let's not forget the never ending tasks of running a house like cleaning and cooking, when surrounded by four crazy, starving children all day is literally like sweeping sand from a beach and throwing food into a black hole. Training children to be responsible and tidy seems an impossible task! Therefore, much of the time is not the kind of "quality" alluded to in this ceaseless debate. Certainly there is little more important that some of these difficult tasks, but "fun" or "precious" are the last adjectives I have in mind to describe them. But it is out of these times when those quality moments arise simply by being there. When the light bulb illuminates and a child learns something new on their own, when you see an unexpected act of selfless kindness from one child to another, or when you suddenly find yourself in their world and for a moment you remember what it was like to be a child because they've inspired you, or simply when you let yourself let go and enjoy the moment with them!
Last night was a perfect example.
All day I looked forward to going to bed early and losing myself in my latest novel--time to read is a very precious commodity when you have five young children, you know--and on high-pressure days, time to unwind is most welcome. Bed time came strictly at 8 o'clock, and I made my way to the kids' room to supervise the end of the day "clean up"...I had already fought with them for an hour over it and two had missed out on their dessert because they hadn't finished picking up when they were supposed to, so the night could have easily been defined by "frustration"! Sitting on the floor, my littlest girl came and plopped into my lap and I brushed her hair while two of the older children finished their jobs. With the toys and clothes put away at last, my middle little girl came and took her place next to me, wanting to show me some of her "favorite things" she had stored in her treasure box and letting me braid her hair as she did so. Meanwhile, my littlest girl had found some books to look at.
My oldest daughter and husband came in with the camera to take a picture of the girls' braids, so they could see them, and naturally it became her turn to have her hair braided. My son, the oldest, flipped through the radio stations to find appropriate music for the dance that my little girls were now doing. I watched my little beauties dance to Mozart as I braided the long locks of my nearly eight year old daughter, amazed by how quickly her hair had grown since she took the scissors to it at age five, listening to my husband talk to my son as he laid on the bottom bunk behind me.
Just as soon as I finished braiding her hair, my daughter hopped up and said, "daddy's turn!" and my two oldest girls proceeded to make little tiny pony tails all over his military regulation hair...while I read through an ABC book with my two year old daughter. We sang the alphabet, traced the letters with our fingers, looked at pictures, giggled, and snuggled. My nearly 10 year old son couldn't resist and soon sat on the bed behind me and began to practice making pony tails in my hair.
After everyone, especially daddy, was newly beautified, the kids showed off their moves, the two oldest gals drawing upon their memories of ballet, my son being just as goofy as possible, my darling two year old insisting on dancing with her daddy, spiked up, pony-tailed hair and all.
Two hours past bed time, every ounce of energy spent, baby boy awake and ready to eat, we performed the nightly ritual of cleaning teeth and saying prayers, so thankful for time like the hours we had just spent together. Not one remembering the difficulties of the day, or thinking about what we had missed or how we were sabotaging a perfectly good schedule...
It's times like those that make the world go round, when I look around me and feel so blessed, when my cup runneth over! and I'm so glad that I'm there for them.
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